Top 10 dumbest things....

I have heard people say this year:

10. "He has back problems and he is a mortician, too. That must be rough having to lift all that dead weight."
9. "Dude, the last time you had sex was when Gore was president."
8. "Working graveyard shift is pretty cool, right?"
7. "Excuse me, but I was wondering if you could help me tame this animal I have become?" - (Okay actually, I said this one, but I heard myself say it)
6. "So, when are you going to re-up for another six years?"
5. "Nickleback's songs do not all sound the same."
4. "Captain Kirk is a lot cooler than Fox Mulder... come on, he had a phaser."
3. "Britney Spears is a LOT hotter than Shakira."
2. "With Kurt Warner and Edge in the mix and a top 10 defense last season, I guarantee the Cardinals will win at least 10 games this year."
1. "Man, I was really wanting to read O.J. Simpson's book."

John Kerry called me stupid...

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Sen. John Kerry has apologized for a "poorly stated joke," which the Massachusetts senator said was aimed at the president but was widely perceived as a slam on U.S. troops.
"I sincerely regret that my words were misinterpreted to wrongly imply anything negative about those in uniform, and I personally apologize to any service member, family member or American who was offended," Kerry said in a statement Wednesday.

"As a combat veteran, I want to make it clear to anyone in uniform and to their loved ones: My poorly stated joke at a rally was not about, and [was] never intended to refer to any troop," he said. In the statement, the four-term senator continued to assert that the GOP was using the gaffe to distract voters from its own shortcomings.

"It is clear the Republican Party would rather talk about anything but their failed security policy," he said. "I don't want my verbal slip to be a diversion from the real issues. I will continue to fight for a change of course to provide real security for our country, and a winning strategy for our troops."

President Bush and other Republicans had been calling on Kerry, the 2004 Democratic presidential nominee, to apologize to U.S. troops for telling college students in California Monday that if they didn't get an education, they would end up "stuck in Iraq." The president denounced Kerry's remarks as "insulting" and "shameful" to U.S. service members. But Kerry insisted that his comment was actually a "botched" joke aimed at Bush, and he accused the White House and Republicans of trying to "distort" what he said for political advantage in next week's midterm elections.

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Can I get away with this? Can I make a backhanded insult that offends a large group of people and then claim that it was just "distorted" by my detractors? What if I was to say; "Make sure you listen to rock and roll... You don't want to end up screwing your relatives?"

It sounds like I just insinuated that if you listen to country music you will become incestuous. Now rest assured that I did not mean for my verbal slip to detract from the real issue here.. My personal opinion that country music sucks. So what do you think John Kerry's personal opinion about our men and women in the military would be?

I guess they must be idiots to volunteer to fight for your freedom to label them as uneducated fools. If they were more educated they could all file false paperwork and put in claims for a purple heart they did not deserve.

Maybe what John is trying to say: "Thanks for volunteering for military service you stupid bastards." Sounds a little more believable anyway...

--Ron

God, Jesus, Holy Ghost refuses to heal Alexander's foot.

--- Kirkland, Wash.

A week after re-injuring his foot in a mishap involving lemon juice and a wiener dog, Shaun Alexander remained sidelined for this week's game against the Chicago Bears. The Bears beat the Seahawks down so badly, they are now considered majority owners of the Seattle team.

"Shaun requested another CT scan on Thrusday for some reason. I did not understand why at first. I guess he did not believe us the first time when we showed him that he had a cracked bone in his foot. Maybe he thought all the pain and swelling was normal"; said a CT technician that requested to remain anonymous. "I tried not to roll my eyes when he told me why he wanted another scan, but it was difficult."

Alexander claimed that his foot was healed and he had been cured through divine intervention brought on by the cross country prayers of friends and family. He requested that doctors re-examine the foot and clear him to play. As it turns out God, on advice from Jesus and the Holy Ghost declined to intervene.. When the question "Why?" was posed to the omnipotent trio, their agent Drew Rosenhaus answered with: "Next question!"

Insiders believe this is due to the bias shown by the Trinity last season when they assisted the Steelers' Ben Roethlisberger in making a game saving tackle in the AFC championship game, then blessing a lame referee crew with blindness during the Super Bowl encounter with Alexander's Seahawks. Reuters reported that after the Super Bowl, Shaun Alexander did not say his bedtime prayer due to feeling "slighted" in the big game... One of the big three may have problems letting this go.

"Ridiculous!"; shouted Rosenhaus when asked about the preferential treatment given to the Steelers. "They are 1 - 2 right now. Roethlisberger is a walking accident waiting to happen. Next question!"

There are also many rumors that Kurt Warner has been tying up the prayer lines searching for a cure to his fumbling problems.(He has fumbled 10 times in four games) Though scientists have proven that his fumbling is due to his wife absorbing the majority of testosterone in their household, Warner remains on his prayer vigil and has also started developing man-boobs.

When asked why Benny Hinn can cure cancerous tumors and help the handicapped walk again, but Shaun Alexander was unable to heal his own foot, Rosenhaus made a back-handed smoke and mirrors comment and again bellowed: "Next question!"

"C'mon if God can heal (Evander)Holyfield's heart, can't he show my foot a little love? If this prayer had been answered I was gonna go for world peace with the next one. I guess we will never know if that would have been answered now."; said an overly emotional Alexander. "I was even thinking about putting in a special help request for the homeless and the hungry. You have to have your priorities straight, you know?"

I would like to personally thank Shaun Alexander for having his priorities straight.
Hallelujah!

UT rips defeat from jaws of victory!

--- Knoxville, TN

"It was back and forth for a while, but I knew we could pull it off." said a smiling Phil Fulmer, between sips of his chocolate slim-fast. "I thought we were gonna screw up and kick another long field goal to win the game, but we got some great plays from Danny Ainge to help us give another game to Florida."

When reminded that his quarterback's name was actually Erik, Coach Fulmer farted loudly and apologized for both his lack of intelligence and his butt trumpeting.

The game was close throughout. Tennessee nearly made a huge mistake when Marvin Mitchell accidently caught a ball Chris Leak threw in his direction. Confused, Mitchell ran toward his dorm room and ended up in the end zone with fans cheerly wildly. Lucky for Mitchell, J.T. Mapu noticed his mistake and quickly clubbed Chris Leak in the head to draw a roughing the passer penalty.

"It was so close, but I managed to give him a good whack!" an enthusiastic Mapu said gleefully. "I think I stubbed up my pinky a little but I will be ready to eat hot dogs later."

"Ainge was the real hero tonight." said LaMarcus Coker. "I would never have caught that TD pass from Lucas had I know it was gonna be this close."

Ainge was indeed the leader of the Vols great comeback. After Wilhoit got mixed up and kicked another long field goal to put the Vols up by 6, the defense quickly started running crazy switches in the secondary to guarantee that a simple crossing route would result in a wide open Dallas Baker skipping into the end zone for the go-ahead score. Ainge made several bad plays moving the Volunteers into Gator territory. In order to help Ainge step up the offensive line took matters into their own hands and parted like the Red Sea to allow a blitzing linebacker to get into the backfield. Ainge responded like a genius. Instead of covering up and taking the sack, he limp wristed a throw to draw a flag for intentional grounding... an easy call with the referee standing a few yards away. Ainge, under pressure, slipped up and hit a slanting wideout for a 10 yard gain. The next few plays truly defined the night for Ainge. With absolutely no pressure on him, he stepped up in the pocket and threw into triple coverage like a complete idiot on third down. With thoughts of a comeback quickly breathing it's last breath, Ainge deftly threw a limp wristed spiral into double coverage to a receiver looking in the crowd for his family. Florida DB Reggie Nelson was minding his own business... looking for his car keys when the ball hit him in the chest. He slipped to the ground and the where ball lay in his hands for an interception.

"I thought he was gonna force me to watch another long field goal, but Erik Ainge is good." said Nelson. "I was open all night and he kept missing me, but he came through when it counted. I never had a chance."

Ainge nearly had to go back on the field for another series, but the defense knew they had to step up and give Florida a first down so they could run out the clock.

"You have no idea how hard it is to miss a tackle when you have roughly 110,000 people in the stadium who knew Florida was gonna run the ball." said Tennessee LineBacker Ryan Karl. "I mean come on... it was third and 6 and we just couldn't take a chance of the offense messing up this loss for us. It took and entire team effort to seal this defeat. Ainge did his part... it was just time for us to do what we could for the team and the fans."

The Tennesssee defense adjusted and they were able to fall down and fake enough injuries to allow DeShawn Wynn to not only get the game clinching first down, but to surpass 100 yards rushing for the game. Coach Fulmer was not impressed with the performance of the Gators.

"If they keep screwing up like that, they will have to play an extra game." said Coach Fulmer, referring to the SEC Championship game. "We didn't even have to bother with a bowl game last year. If we can keep this type of play going, we can get home early this year too. If we have to go to a bowl I hope it is the Humanitarian Bowl... I think that is the one they play on that pretty blue field out there in Boise, Idaho. Do you have have any crispy bacon on you? I like bacon."

Tradition is still alive in Knoxville. Life is good for the Volunteer faithful tonight.


Reported by:
-- Ron Culhane --